Friday, January 29, 2010

The Blob

I am not a mean-spirited restaurant.  In fact, I like to think that I am at least somewhat nicer than the average building.  The things I say may be somewhat offensive, as they are pointed at a member of a particular sect of the population--overweight people.  As a rule, I have nothing against overweight people.  I do have something against overweight people who act like animals in restaurants--just the same as I would have something against people of any body type who act like animals in restaurants.

That said, The Blob does not appear here as a result of her massive girth.  The Blob is featured because she is a horrendous customer who--in addition to general gruffness and lack of etiquette--cannot even cough up a ten percent tip even after keeping the server past the closing time.  Now that she has committed a handful of transgressions and displayed an utter lack of respect for those who work inside me, I am free to go after her with everything I've got.

I must say that even attempting to draw the picture of someone as massive as The Blob completely taxed my computer.  At more than one point I had to take a break when I saw smoke coming from the processor.  More problems occurred when I attempted to upload the picture to Blogger--it seems that the entire website crashed and was down for a number of hours.

I am, however, thankful that The Blob opted for a table and not to belly up to the sushi bar.  The otherwise sturdy structure would undoubtedly fold like a cheap camera under the tremendous girth of her more-than-ample midsection--and probably take one or two of our best chefs with it.

Whenever The Blob enters the restaurant, she should have to put down a one-hundred dollar chair deposit.  If the chair she sits upon is still intact when she leaves, she gets the deposit back.

But go ahead, Blob.  Keep treating the staff like your personal slaves and leaving atrocious tips.  Next time you arrive you may be met with the following message:

I'm sorry, but this restaurant has a strict policy against serving whale.

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